Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
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A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.