Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?

me: sure. you look like a Tiffany

barista: no i mean a name for the order

me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”

It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall

witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven

me: mean witch! but cunning

gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven

me: the chess game continues. Genius

witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate

me: oh

I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER

I wish I were a Jedi.

I don’t want to use the Force or anything.

I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.

This is what it sounds like when cats cry

– The inventor of bagpipes

Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.

My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.

“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”

*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*

“Remember where we parked.”

-Me, to my dog.

Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe

honestly, i need both:

By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers

Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻‍♂️

Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”

Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.

I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”

*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.

You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.

[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]

me: *vomits everywhere and passes out

training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”

*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth

keep reaching for the stars, kid:

In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.

Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.

God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?

Me munching on an apple: Why is it every time I go to the theater I get stuck behind the lady with the fruit hat?

One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me

I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.

I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.

I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.