Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
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Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
“what the fuck could you possibly be doing on the roads at 3am on a monday morning” me, to other cars, while I am also on the roads at 3am on a monday morning
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.