Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
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like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Smallpox sounds so adorable
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
I’ve decided that I need to eat more vegetables, so I’m gonna make a carrot cake later.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
people who own banana costumes will wear that shit to anything. its labor day and theyre like waittt u know what would be perfect rn
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
Breaking news:
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.