Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
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God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg