Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
October 31
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.