Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
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Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
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Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!