Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.

I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.

I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.

“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.

My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.

My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.

who named him groot and not spruce lee

Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.

I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.

I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.

According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.

*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*

Sara?

*Gets down on one knee*

*audible gasp*

“Yes?”

Help my knee is made of magnets

The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore

I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.

Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased

Dear America

Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.

Many thanks

England

Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.

car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin

Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.

My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.

Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.

Bought a new exercise program

Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort

So I did

caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind

It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.

Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?

Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*

Unsolicited sandwich pics.

For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.

Things I learnt from Avatar:

– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.