Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope

Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult

My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.

Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.

Overheard at the pool:

Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?

*long pause*

3 year old: a cat

GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.

Me and kiddo listening to music in car:

In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶

Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover

*20 min later at the grocery store*

Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?

Stranger:😳

One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned

Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent

My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.

Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.

I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.

When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.

Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”

Priest: “It’s because of the moon”

Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”

Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”

I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.

1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*

7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*

Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”

I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.

I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.

Survivor: The Dryer Edition.

Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.

Nobody likes a complainer but they’re needed for a functioning society. You know how humanity gets compared to frogs in boiling water and everything is getting bad so gradually we won’t even notice? Not if I’m around

People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.

I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!

“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”

We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet

Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.

West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.

waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir

me: I’m not a giraffe

waiter: I know I’m just telling you

“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*

The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?

Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up

Son: I want to be a dinosaur

Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.

Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president