Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
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I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
☠️☠️☠️
Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.