Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
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day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
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Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!