“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
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push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.