Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna

“Why do you hate me?”

– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.

Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one

I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.

Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.

Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.

I need to wipe.

ME: is he always this quiet

WIDOW: *sobs harder*

Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)

“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.

satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-

me: wow you’re tall

satan: thanks?

me: how tall are you?

satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?

me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny

“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo

The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.

[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing

[Date]

Me: tell me about yourself

Her: I’m really vegan

Me: oh no

Her: and I have a kid

Me: oh no

Her: his name is Kale

Me: ohhh noo

What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?

Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,

but Chickpeas

can just hummus one.

Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”

I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.

[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]

Stylist: How’s the water temperature?

[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]

Me: It’s fine

in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down

They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.

From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!

My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”

Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.

Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.

A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower

[Murderer breaks into my house]

Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”

A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.

Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]