Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.

Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.

I learned about self care from watching my cat.

Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).

Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them

-Lord of the Onion Rings

dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings

“Hey honey”

*drags a cigarette*

“have you ever”

*drinks some scotch*

“slept with a guy”

*sucks a lollipop*

“with three arms?”

i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it

I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.

[Job Interview]

“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”

“36”

“That’s not even close”

“But it was quick”

Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”

Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022

The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.

ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.

I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society

But my Dad did

[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?

I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc

HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.

PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.

HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.

PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.

If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.

If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing

Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.

I’m starting a petition to get abacuses mounted on to all Zimmer Frames. I hope I can count on your support.

[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho

Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!

If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.

heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time

20s: I’m on top of the world!

50s: stop the world I want to get off!

If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.