Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹

the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing

Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s

Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.

I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur

The little toadstool has spoken.

My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight

Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it

judge: your word is meaningless.

me: meaningless. m-e-a-

lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.

why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex

Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:

Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeans

Disadvantages
None that I can think of

My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.

GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy

[meeting her parents]

ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?

*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*

Me: Is anyone here with us?

T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E R

M: Oh my god! Mom!

Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?

Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old

Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer

Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t

Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.

Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.

My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.

Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.

2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.

Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.

genie: please no
millipede: more legs

1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.

what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie

[enter password]

“dog”

[password must be longer]

“dachshund”

I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.

Please. My wife. She’s very sick.

Me: I have a headache.

WebMD: and it will be your last.

A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”

1.