Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Think of a thing.

Theres an e cig flavor for that.

An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.

Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?

4-year-old: You!

Me: Who’s your favorite dad?

4: Mom.

So close.

Cricket Audience: *goes wild*

Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd

[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.

there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary

Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener

Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask

me: dating is hard

me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.

WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5

ME: ok

[later]

ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud

can’t talk my ride’s here

I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog

I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket

I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids

Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.

I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko

My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.

Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.

If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me:

Son:

Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now

Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.

Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*

My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.

Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting

[Me as 911 Operator]

*phone rings*

I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”

Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.