Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I enjoy a good short stor

A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.

A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?

BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light

dinosaur: how’d you die

human: stupid

I discovered last night that I’m quite adept at finely slicing carrots and my fingers.

Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame

My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”

Pray for me

I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly

I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.

“Rogue One” idea:

The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.

Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.

“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”

Me: My neck is a little stiff

Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis

when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.

Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt

Me: safety first 🙂

Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*

My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.

I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane

Friend: So, how did you two meet?

Husband: In a bar.

Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…

9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.

I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.

*date*

GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?

LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.

Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.

I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.

Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.

Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.

Wanted:
1 Psychic.

You know who you are.

zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS

9th graders: whoa!

zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD

9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–

zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS

getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.

Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary

12: You’re almost half a century old.

Me: Go to your room.

PEAK POKEMON DESIGN

Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.