Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
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MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
why isn’t thunder called soundning
toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
some Old Testament wisdom
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
This 4th of July, please remember…
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
I eat salads because you can’t just drink ranch dressing
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
