Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
You Might Also Like
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?