Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.
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People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Think I pulled my liver
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice