Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.
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I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
