Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.

*driving home*

Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.

After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.

If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!

GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!

please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind

I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.

If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.

[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?

My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.

I’ve decided to become a huge sellout and abandon my core values for cheap cash. Who want to buy my values?

…Anybody?

Hmmm… I thought this would be easier.

Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*

Me: What was that all about?

Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

Murderer: [stabs me]

Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]

*power walks to the refrigerator*

Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.

Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.

A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing

My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.

Should I tell him now or let him learn?

Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.

Boss: Thought she died last month?

Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.

As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.

Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣

*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*

Me: *petting my cat*

My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.

I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.

I. FORGOT.

I. FORGOT.

Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit

If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.

“How old are you?”

Things you say to your third child.

[first day]

Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you

Me: I’ll be fine

Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you

The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.