Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
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sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
just woke up in a cold sweat screaming “WHY DIDN’T HAWK TUAH GIRL CALL IT SPITCOIN”
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
this is literally a CIA plant
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
“Does this look infected?”
*points to the entire world*
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good