Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.

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If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.


Will The Real Slim Shady please sit down

Will The Real Slim Shady put his left arm in

Now out

Will The Real Slim Shady shake it all about


billie eilish, carly rae jepsen, and miley cyrus should form a pop group called billie rae cyrus


INTERVIEWER: so it says on your resume that your greatest strengths is correcting grammar and talking like a pirate?

ME: are

INTERVIEWER (impressed): Holy Shit


Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.


16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.

26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.

36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.


Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes


Of course your milkshake brings the boys to the yard. What boy doesn’t love milkshakes? If your asparagus brought em, then I’d be impressed.


adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane


PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough

DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did my assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol