@eudaimonium

Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.

You Might Also Like

@pmarca

Best observation on financial markets that anyone has ever made or will ever make:

@copymama

Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.

@Cheeseboy22

I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”

@Try2StopME

90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.

@GrantTanaka

We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore

@MatCro

At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.

@robin_991

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

@AmishPornStar1

Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”