@eudaimonium

Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.

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@topaz_kell

If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.

@LionJenkins

Will The Real Slim Shady please sit down

Will The Real Slim Shady put his left arm in

Now out

Will The Real Slim Shady shake it all about

@RileyRedRose

billie eilish, carly rae jepsen, and miley cyrus should form a pop group called billie rae cyrus

@GrillyJoel

INTERVIEWER: so it says on your resume that your greatest strengths is correcting grammar and talking like a pirate?

ME: are

INTERVIEWER (impressed): Holy Shit

@tanialunreal

Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.

@mommajessiec

16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.

26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.

36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.

@DennysDiner

Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes

@JeremyInKC

Of course your milkshake brings the boys to the yard. What boy doesn’t love milkshakes? If your asparagus brought em, then I’d be impressed.

@Ditchful

adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane

@DrDogMD

PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough

DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did my assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol