Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
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ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?