Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl

At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.

GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.

ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.

GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”

ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.

Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?

Wife: he gives me no privacy

Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true

[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next

HR: Know why we called you down?

Me: Hmm…my trench coat?

HR: Try again.

Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?

Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst

Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton

You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?

Hahahaa WHY!!??

Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street

At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”

[Thanksgiving 2020]

Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions

Him: that’s a carrot

God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?

Me: Good night Moon

Moon:

Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!

HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.

My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist

“Go ahead, caller. . .”

“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”

“and you are November’s PM yes?”

DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.

If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up

unless I’m driving

oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer

tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it

so yeah, i’m adorable

You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning

My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.

Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.

If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.

the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments

[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!

i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.

*calls out under the bed

Me: Are you still there?

Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.