Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
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Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.