Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.
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Lol
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Me, picking my son up from zillion dollar camp: “What was the best part of your day?”
Him: “When you took us to the car wash”
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Lmfao
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828