Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again

*high fives my therapist*

“At least you tried.”

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk

GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face

ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent

[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry

[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.

I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.

GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT

*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*

Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.

Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.

[murder scene]

DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.

P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.

The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills

The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s

Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?

Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie

stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”

I work at Home Depot.

White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers

Me: Thank you for that information

Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?

Tamale guy: yes

Me: I’ll take three

Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.

I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them

You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.

Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.

*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once

I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.