Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
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Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Normalize saying “the end” when you want a conversation to be over
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
😩😩😩
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts