Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
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Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Rorschach tests are like so easy. Everything’s either a demon or a butterfly and it’s up to you to decide.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
this is not ok. they turnt him into ice crims 💔💔
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
my kidney: can you stop with the alcohol?
my heart: yes and also start eating better?
my brian: do whta yuo liek.
me: love you, brian.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
This might be me.
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