Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
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Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome