Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?

My kid: I’m not sure

Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?

My kid: I need more time to think

My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.

I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.

I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure

If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’

Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.

I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.

a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class

Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool

Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.

“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”

Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.

[God making spaghetti]

ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?

GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.

Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?

Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.

ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]

GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-

[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.

Is he dead?

Is he dead?

Is she dead?

Is HE dead?

What about him?

Is SHE dead?

-My kids watching 80s music videos.

the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip

Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-

Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]

“I think we should start touching other people.”

-Blind couple breaking up.

Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.

We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.

I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”

[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]

ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath

JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back

R: we’re turtles, Juliet

Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes

every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget

I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.

My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.

Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”

I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.

*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*

13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.

People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be