Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
You Might Also Like
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
i want it utterly assaulted.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please