Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
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Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Covert ops
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
This makes total sense…
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
9YO: dad, what animal would you say you most look like?
ME: i dunno, a turtle maybe
9: haha yeah
ME: what about you?
9: i don’t look like an animal
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
When I can she’s been typing her reply for 5 mins.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.