Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
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This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”
This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”