Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
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public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist