Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Those who say there is no such thing as a stupid question have obviously never worked in tech support..;)
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A truck with the slogan “We always go the extra mile” took the last parking spot so I wrote on it “because we missed the exit” as a revenge.
Wishing for bad shit to happen to people you hate is so wrong. You gotta be way more proactive than that.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
teenage me: why do old people like birds so much lol like get a cooler hobby nerds
me now: THAT ONE IS A RED HOUSE FINCH AND OH LISTEN YOU CAN HEAR THE NORTHERN FLICKER OVER THERE HEY LOOK THE GRACKLES ARE BACK
The heaviest things in the world:
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Me: (Insert inspirational quote here)
Wife: Wow. That’s deep, who said that?
Me: I did. Didn’t you hear me speak just now?
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
I put the D in donut. And I do it quickly before any of my coworkers return to the break room
“Kids, I found a campsite!”