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I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
🤣