Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
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I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.
I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
My wife bought me a hollowed out dictionary to use as a piggy bank. I never use it. I love spending money so much, I can’t put it into words.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Who says great literature is dead?
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”