Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again

-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target

My kids tried to explain Skibidi Toilet to me.

To my parents, who were always confused by all the weird things I was into: I’m sorry.

If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him

Dear Ad Agencies,

Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.

On behalf of dog owners everywhere,

Thanks!

30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.

Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.

friend: promise you didn’t get me a beeper

me: [from a distance] just open it

noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?

noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room

[using a dust pan for the first time]

Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked

Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?

Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails

My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.

[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking

ME: Yeah, he’s interbred

DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread

Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.

There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.

Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.

Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT

Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE

My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.

#WorldWaterDay

All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall

Lean in

And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’

guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here

Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you

Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared

Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!

A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller

I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.

animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that

DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!

Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.

I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.

I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.

Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.