Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.

Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.

The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.

So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄

Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers

I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore

*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?

Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.

My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life

Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.

He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.

[Starts jogging]
Body: No.

If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.

A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.

I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.

Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders

“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”

“Yes. Get out!”

I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.

My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.

Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.

Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP

Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.

Biden:

The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.

My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.

I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.

Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?

Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT

Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛

I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.

No pun in ten did.

We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.

I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.

That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??

[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.