Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle

I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.

[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out

After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)

Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.

I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.

Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere

He’s cranky this morning

Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.

*uses Oujia board*

ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ

me: what’s updog?

ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ

me: what

cat: what

Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.

Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*

When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!

everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David

I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?

[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?

ㅤ

Me: Pikachu, I choose you!

Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet

When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.

“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”

Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!

“I go by Barold now”

I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.

All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”

I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs

I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.

*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*

Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.

Over the fence to our neighbour:

‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’

gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass

Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.

* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.

How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?

HER: I work for the Red Cross.

ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.