Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.

The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.

Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.

[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.

“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”

OH COME ON

Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.

I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.

priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better

My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.

20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists

30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn

40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people

it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects

Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.

pizza

“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”

TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”

Me: Heck yeah

TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️

Me: Wait a second

Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.

My wife left me for my best friend.

Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.

Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.

Woman delivering my pizza:

Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.

I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.

My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.

I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.

Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.

“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM

very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

This elevator skit is so incredibly simple

And I think that’s what makes it perfect.

Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.

For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.

[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”

Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.

Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.

H: …