Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
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Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
I created you as mosquito food.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard