Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.

Fun Fact:

Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.

*catwoman struggles into suit*

*catwoman realises she needs to pee*

*crie*

[Pokémon Pitch]

Writer: pet training with wild animals

Exec: thats already a thing

Writer: kids are the trainers

Exec: seems irresponsible

Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something

Exec: why

Writer: unclear

Exec: tight

My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.

I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.

Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”

The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake

Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.

People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.

I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”

Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good

– Jack and the beans talk

8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school

me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum

8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?

Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.

“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened

“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”

Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009

Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!

Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.

I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes

coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad

Doggies just call it style.

“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob

The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.

He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him

I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.

“Why don’t you want to have kids?”

*motions hysterically in every direction*

me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby

him: mom I’m 35 years old

Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.

-Marital tech support, how can I help you?

-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.

-Have you tried turning her off and back on?

-I did the first part.

The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.