Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered

Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!

Tech Support: how much had you written?

Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences

When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.

Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

Life is different in Christian frats:

“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”

“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”

*fist bump*

Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.

My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…

When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.

It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.

Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.

“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator

I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party

At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.

terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth

this is the best day of my life

“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”

By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!

My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.

no!! no!!!!!!

Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.

“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive

[blind date]

HER: I’m a ghost writer

ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?

In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.

The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.

First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.

they split up moments later

Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?

When you’ve simply given up.

me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now

oh you like road-trips? name every road then