Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.

We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.

“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.

eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.

If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.

Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?

“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry

Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books

My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.

I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.

On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.

Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”

One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”

We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”

Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard

I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.

If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.

My sister’s birthday cake 🤣

I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.

[infomercial]

ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!

AUDIENCE: YES!

*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*

me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are

date: what are you having

me: an ok time

I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.

Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!

M: *swoons*

me: does anyone here play baseball

england: *crickets*

this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid

Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.

Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.

She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.

Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it