Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
You Might Also Like
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
hate when dogs are anxious. you don’t even understand the concept of money
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian
Become ungovernable.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
If you think my heart is cold, you should feel my feet.
The left. The right. The ambidextrous. Politics is so confusing.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what