Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
You Might Also Like
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun