Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
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Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*