Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…

“What would Jesus do?”

Then, I remember how things turned out for him…

And, flip a coin.

The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.

Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?

4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*

Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.

*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”

I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.

me: I’m stuck in a time loop

friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight

me: my watch is on too tight 🙂

A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.

When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk

“Oh I’d love to but I can’t”

Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.

When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.

*Naming my child*

WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?

ME:… Mattress?

Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.

Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.

Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?

3:

Me: Do a puzzle?

3:

Me: Paint?

3:

Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.

3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]

boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus

me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator

Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.

Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.

I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.

beware of dog

*Texting*

HIM: Do you have any snacks?

ME: In my panty.

H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”

M: Nope.

do horses think humans are hats

Old friend: I barely recognize you.

“That’s the look I was going for. “

For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.

Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.

David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.

WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]

911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.

Me: I WASNT READY

9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.