Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
You Might Also Like
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have internet connection.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
A couple I know went hiking for their 25th anniversary which sounded shady to me.
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.