@BlindChow

Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.

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@WilliamRodgers

“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”

-Superman

@rcromwell4

*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*

Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry

@mommajessiec

Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?

@rickygervais

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.

@daddydoubts

Negotiating with a 3 year old:

Me: pick out two books to read.

3yo: no five books!

Me: fine three books.

3yo: no five books!

Me: no one book!

3yo: no TWO books!

Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.

@VancityReynolds

People in LA are deathly afraid of gluten. I swear to god, you could rob a liquor store in this city with a bagel.

@sixfootcandy

Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!

@LoveYoorFate

The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over