Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In 1949 a US senator attempted to ban popcorn in cinemas. During a Senate hearing about it, another senator handed out free popcorn. The law was never passed.

After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”

Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.

ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps

Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?

That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.

If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.

I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.

I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.

a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables

When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.

The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.

My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up

My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side

Me: BEAN!!! Come here!

9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public

Me: Beanie Baby?

D: Mom. No.

Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-

D: MOM!!!

i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t

THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.

[at grocery store]

me: no.

God: no.

brain: eat a coffee bean.

Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!

Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!

Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!

Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?

Me: can I go to the bathroom?

Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting

Me: so that’s a yes?

[ cooking class ]
 
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
 
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd

They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.

It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

No one on the face of the planet:

Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19

I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.

* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!

Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:

•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.

If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.

Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁

dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river

I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.