Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
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ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi