Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
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Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.
They were a jeanious.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.