Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.

Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.

Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…

Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?

Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name

[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs

You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.

It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.

My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.

The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*

SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive

Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?

SEGA:

Nintendo:

SEGA: well that would have made sense

gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts

Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.

If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.

Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.

I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.

me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure

Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok

A game married people play.

Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.

Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.

WATSON: do you even have a proper education?

SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson

WATSON: but, like, beyond that

SHERLOCK: nah

[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?

Friend: yeah sure!

Me: *starts beatboxing*

Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”

someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc

Him: This fish is too fishy.

Me: How’s your water? Too wet?

When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.

Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?

ROFLMFAO!

JK! Lolz

Ttyl KK

Ur BFF,

Hannibal

~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages

[summoning my first demon]

ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.

MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?

School Nurse [calling]: Your child is in my office.
Me: What’s wrong?
Nurse: She’s just overtired.
Me: Join the club.
Nurse: She’s lying down now.
Me: I’ll be right there.
Nurse: Ok. I’ll have her dismissed.
Me: What? No. I’m just coming to lie down, too.

My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess