Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
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Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
[giving cops my statement after my house was robbed by the breakdancing burglar] no music but he was still hittin that shit
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
It’s either five or nothing bro
– if wet wipes could talk
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.