Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.

Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”

Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.

(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.

99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…

Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.

“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.

our love will go down in history

like the Hindenburg

Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!

My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts

I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in

Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?

Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him

Son: So he’s like 100 years old?

I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th

Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.

We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.

So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕

definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life

8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.

Me: Your old shoes were red, too.

8: These are redder.

Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.

Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️

Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.

The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.

You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.

FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.

I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?

My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.

M: Did you proof her?

S: She’s my mom.

M: OK but she may not be 21.

S: That’s biologically impossible.

M: No it’s not.

*My son is 16.

30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.

Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest

A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.

i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.

I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.

Headlines With Threatening Auras.