“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
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My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
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OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.