“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
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My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
*walking into someone’s house with healthy, thriving houseplants everywhere*
Me: Oh, I see you dabble in witchcraft.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
Me driving through Toronto
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL