Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
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guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
The Friday File.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.