Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
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I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Apartments show you 44 pics of the lobby b**ch I ain’t living in there
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.