Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother is the strongest woman I know.

You should see how far she could throw a shoe.

ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.

I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .

I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find

Him: What are you doing tomorrow?

Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.

Him: *sighs*

Me: Oh, you mean between meals.

Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋

Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway

It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.

I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.

If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it

Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.

Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.

I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business

I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.

“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.

hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy

me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke

Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat

I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.

13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.

My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.

My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.

My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.

Anyway, she’s my new life coach.

Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.

Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now

Lube but for my dry humor.

Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth

Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?

Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.

I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.

“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”