Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
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I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols