Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
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Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test
Me: C
Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
My teenager at school drop off: “DON’T say anything when I get out of the car”
*door opens*
BYE MY SWEETUMS! SHARE PENCILS, NOT GERMS!
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
what’s in a name?
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too