Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
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Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽♀️😭
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”
Uncharted Territory… underneath the refrigerator
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.