Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
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Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Oh we’ve met.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
