Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
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Eating Taco Bell shouldn’t count for calories because it’s not around long enough
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
anyone else like Italian cereal
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
smh
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket