Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?

My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.

I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”

Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.

Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.

Every single bad day happened because I woke up

Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.

Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?

Me: She’s my current wife.

Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.

If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga

My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you

*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH

You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.

Kay’s emergency department tape rule:

If a farmer shows up with electrical tape on something, it absolutely needs sutures.

If it’s duct tape, it needs surgery.

I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.

[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,

Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.

My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.

Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome

Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.

Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?

So they could…..Scan da Navy in!

It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.

Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic

I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.

ㅤ

I hope google does well on my son’s test

My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock

Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.

If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.

[Australian recipe for upside down cake]

1: make cake

I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.