Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
You Might Also Like
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.