Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?

luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something

Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.

[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]

me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question

[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]

my mom: curfew’s 9:00

me: please mom i’m in a gang now

my mom:

me: how about 9:15

I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.

For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!

My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.

BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.

MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*

The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow

Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.

[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button

‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’

Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.

my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run

me: *nodding* no more running, got it

An owl showing some catlike behavior.

I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.

Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.

Negotiator: I need proof of life.

Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.

Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?

Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.

Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time

We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered

When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.

Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house

“Dress for the job you want!”

*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*

I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.

They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.

Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.

my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case

Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.

The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.