Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”

Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works

My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.

Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.

4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?

Me, a Dad: Yeah???

4: …

4: MOMMY!!!

Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.

The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong

Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.

If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo

If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised

Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain

The Sun: What’s his deal?

The Rain: Weird

The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know

I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”

Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”

Me: “Nope.”

Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”

HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”

“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”

*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*

She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1

Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean

Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?

Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you

If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.

[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy

I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.

When I was a kid this either meant you better run for your life or it was spaghetti night.

I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.

Bought some of that edible cookie dough.

Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.

Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.

*walks into starbucks*

Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!

*has choice of any table*

Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths